steve and i have created a slide show so people can meet Jorai. if you'd like to see it, click below to start. i can't seem to make it any bigger. sorry.
for those of you who have only heard parts of these past few days and for those who haven't yet heard, we lost our baby girl this weekend. i've been struggling if i should write this, but with all the love thats pouring in, i felt that i needed to both for all of you who love us and for me, to just get it out.
friday night, i stopped feeling the baby move. she was always intermittent with her movements, but i instantly knew something was wrong. but i waited, thinking i was wrong. by saturday i was getting more and more nervous and by 2, i finally called the dr. she told us to come in to the the ob er right away. when we arrived, they immediately tried to find a heartbeat both with a doppler and then ultrasound. both told us what we already feared. our baby was gone. by 2:30 we knew what was to come but how do you prepare? how do you wait to deliver a child that you've dreamt about and loved and anticipated for the past 7 months, only to know that when she comes into this world, she'll never be apart of it? i was given drugs to induce labor starting at 3 on saturday. it was a long wait. we were shocked and numb and devastated. and all we could do was wait, to deliver our child.
at 7:13 last night, sunday 3 June 07, i delivered Jorai Mae at 28 weeks 4 days. she was 2 pounds 1 ounces and was absolutely beautiful. she was so long (14 1/4 inches) and had these beautiful long fingers and feet. just like steve and i. she had started to grow hair. it was darker in color. and her little face was gorgeous. we were able to hold her and love on her for as long as we wanted. they dressed her in a tiny little dress and wrapped her in a tiny little blanket. they took many beautiful pictures of her and took hand and foot prints. when we left the hospital, they gave us a memory box with all these belongings.
we found out that there was an aneurysm in the umbilical cord. it was a freak accident and her death was quick. we're going back to the doctors tomorrow so we'll probably hear more. but until then that's all we know.
so here we are, left here alone and in a world what seems empty in a way. i can see and touch everything, but nothing seems real. nothing seems really there. we're just in limbo. in this state of shock. what do you do? where do you go? i feel blessed that steve and i have one another. he has been such a blessing to me. but i feel Jorai missing. i feel an emptiness in my belly, in my heart. i feel her surrounding us, yet i know i will never know her. i'll never touch her again. i'll never see what she becomes or hear her laughter. see her smile.
i don't know why this has happened. why it happened so late. but i can't dwell on that. i have to believe it happened for a reason. whether we'll ever know why, i don't know. but i have to believe that there's a reason. all i know know is that steve and i had a beautiful daughter. we loved her as she grew inside of me, and we love her still. she'll never be far from our thoughts and hearts. she was our daughter.
i wanted to thank all of you for your love and support. we are so blessed to have such family and friends surrounding us. thank you for your calls and your messages and emails, letters and your outreaches of love. your support has been amazing. please know that we're getting your messages and they really help us. just hearing your love fills those empty spaces in our hearts. we're so numb right now. we're trying to find peace in this. just 4 days ago we had this active little girl flipping around inside of me and now, we have a loss that we can't put to words. please know that although we may not answer the phone or door for awhile, that we do hear and feel your love and we appreciate every ounce of it. in time, we will reach out. but for now, we need the comfort of one another and to be held in the arms of Jesus, the only One who can ease our pain.
thank you all for all your love and support. please keep us and Jorai in your prayers. we love you all so much
